I’m sad

Right now, I’m sad. Really sad. Am I sad enough to kill myself? No. Am I sad enough to cry? No. But I am certainly sad enough not to indulge myself in anything. I feel that heaviness inside me which doesn’t allow me to think positive. I try to kid my mind by exposing itself to alternatives in my little, uncontaminated, uncomplicated life – like books, movies, workout, close friends and even television. But nothing seems to work. In television, strange as it may seem, all the people across all the channels seem to be very happy. And right now I don’t want to see happy people. It’s so strange that I’ve never even dreamt in the wildest of my dreams that I would think of such a thing as – are the people appearing in those random TV channels happy or not!! Who cares? But today they certainly seem to be happy. What? People in TV…. happy….. ehh….umm…looks like I’m losing my mind! I don’t feel like talking to friends because I’m in no mood to discuss anything. Not even ‘myself’. Feeling too bored to workout. Books and movies right now seems very teenagish.

So what do I do? I just simply sit. Stare at the various lifeless things in my house. Because all of a sudden I seem to identify myself with them. Lifeless. No mind. No conscience. Just there.

I try to rationalize the circumstances which have eventually led me to this state. The funny thing is even my mom seems to do the same thing. And she comes up with a great discovery! She comes up to me with these two old beverage cans (which I had told her to keep it in a safe place in the kitchen as I would like to take it to my office in the near future and use it as a pen stand) and says, “You know what, son?”. Looking uninterested in what insight she has come up with, painstakingly I move my lips and with some effort my brains seems to think and send a signal to several places in my body as a result of which my lungs push the air upwards to my windpipe and the voice box and as the air passes through the vocal cords – my throat, my jaws, my lips and tongue put a mighty effort to ask her the question “WHAT???”. She replies confidently, “Since the time you have got this home, bad things are happening!!”

As I fail to try to understand the good intentions in my mom’s mind, I try to convince her in vain of my affection towards those two wonderfully designed cans.

She doesn’t seem to buy my point.

And eventually, it finds itself in the dust bin. From the up market location in which I bought those cans, it ultimately found rest in my dust bin! And I again end up identifying myself with those two cans – abandoned.

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~ by rb on July 11, 2008.

2 Responses to “I’m sad”

  1. Remember the people around you, the constant love is there. That your not alone. I hope the next day is better.
    Virginia

  2. Hey Virginia,
    Did you know that we gather strength from sadness and pain? For each time we die, we learn to live again. Thanks a lot for your good words.

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