The Great Indian Fart

It seems that the great Indian fart will never ever give up its sick obsession of following me – wherever I go. From primary school to secondary, from junior college to graduation, from the overcrowded bus to the perturbing train and even in the ordinary lane – I always end up having an unforgettable encounter with the great Indian fart. So infectious is its impact that it successfully invades my personal space whenever I happen to have an occasional conversation with a few of my elderly relatives. And they, very convincingly dismiss it as a habit that is beyond one’s control when you enter old age. (I wonder whether they look upon it as a privilege or as a mild disorder which needs some serious attention!)

Today, once again I happened to have a very violent encounter with the great Indian fart. While I was squeezing, elbowing and stirring my way out onto a comfortable position in the local train, something suddenly struck my nasal senses and for a moment I felt like I was hanging in loose air without any gravity, where my brain had completely given up on all its sensory powers while my heart was continuing to beat dutyfully, faster and faster, for its helpless master. My first reaction was that somebody is trying to rob me by making me unconscious. As I recovered with great difficulty, I realized that in a very well crafted order, people standing towards my left hand side were undergoing the same feeling. The man who was standing (or flying) immediately to me, towards my left, was rolling his eyeballs in a circular fashion as he opened and closed his mouth. For a moment I thought that he was having some sort of a weird orgasm. Then I realized that it was not an intense or the highest form of sensory pleasure which was evoking such a reaction from our man, but rather unfortunately, it was due to the great Indian fart (henceforth G.I.F.). The James Bond inside me quickly made a resolution to figure out the culprit and I looked to my right hand side in great desperation. My eyes were scanning through the various kinds of faces, helplessly shouldering themselves on each other, to trace that mild yet apprehensive kind of an embarrassing emotion. And I failed completely. Everybody seemed to put up such a confident face as if they have just been awarded the pinnacle place at the Beijing Olympics!

Showing my evident frustration I tried to shake my head, in the same manner of that of the Supreme Court judge who lamented, “Even God will not be able to save this country”. (This was the reaction of the Supreme Court while it was slamming the government for its refusal to amend the law for launching criminal prosecution against those who illegally occupy official houses). As I was recovering from my first shock the second round of attacks occurred. I looked around in absolute vengeance and to my surprise; my act was genuinely imitated by everybody in the entire compartment. A voice from a distance retaliated in anger, “Who is the illiterate asshole around here?” which was followed by a deep silence and some occasional murmurings.

For a moment, I had almost decided to leave this country and migrate to some other place. If they don’t accept me I’ll write a provocative novel which would disturb all kinds of sentimentalities of the Indian moral police and would eventually pave my way to be deported to another country!! While I was thinking of all this, I also happened to be amused by the idea of how a fart could change the destiny of an ordinary citizen like me.

I strongly recommend everybody, whoever is reading this, to take a conscious step in educating our fellow brothers and sisters on “How to control ourselves in public spaces”. Its not about illiteracy, it’s about basic manners which is unfortunately woven into the subconscious of a normal human being. If the problem still persists, let’s write a petition to the higher authorities to impose an official ban on farting. Imagine, just like the “No Smoking Please” signs in restaurants and malls, there will be a “No Farting Please” sign across our country. Jeans and trousers will be forced to have a yellow tab on its back pockets warning consumers that “Farting is a punishable crime!”

What a better place the world be – a fart free nation!

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~ by rb on August 6, 2008.

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